Episode 134

How to Give More Without Overgiving

At the time of recording, it is the eve of the Jewish Holiday of Shavuot. It is now seven weeks on from Pesach, and shortly, we’ll be celebrating G-d giving us The Torah: His instruction manual for how to conduct our lives, develop our relationships with each other, and with the Almighty. We know that G-d is a giver, and we’re taught to emulate G-d in our characteristics. So, just like G-d is a giver, we are compelled to become givers also.

As women, we are compassionate and we have an innate nature of giving. So, as women entrepreneurs, how do we harness this tendency to give in a way that best serves our clients, without overgiving? That’s exactly what I’m discussing in today’s episode.

Tune in this week to discover how to give more through your business without overgiving. You’ll learn exactly what it looks like when you’re overgiving through your business, and I share my tips for open-heartedly giving to your clients as a channel for G-d’s wisdom and abundance.

If you want to make six or multiple six figures in 2024, my group coaching program Wired for Wealth is just for you. This is my lifetime-access coaching program designed for coaches, creatives, and service providers who want to create consistent high-income months with a small audience. Wired for Wealth is now open for enrollment, so click here for all the details!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • How, as women, we naturally give in our everyday lives.
  • Why we need to give our clients more, without becoming overgivers.
  • What happens when you overgive in service of your clients.
  • How to get introspective and see the negative impact overgiving is having on your business and your personal life.
  • Why having boundaries is a vital part of giving your clients what they need.
  • What it looks like when you can give with a bigger, more open heart, without overgiving.
  • How marketing and advertising serves as a form of giving in your business.

Resources

Read the full transcript now

You’re listening to The Jewish Entrepreneur Podcast with Debbie Sassen, Episode 134.

Welcome to The Jewish Entrepreneur Podcast. I’m your host, Debbie Sassen. I went from being a financial adviser, author and chronic under earner to building my business to six figures as a financial planner and money mindset coach. And then, on to multiple six figures as a fulltime money and business coach.

I help entrepreneurs create money making businesses and build wealth, using sales and money mindset strategies in alignment with authentic Jewish values. Now, let’s dive into today’s show.

Hello, my friends and welcome back to the podcast. Today, I have a themebased podcast based around the theme in my life today. By the time you listen to the podcast, today’s theme will be over. But that’s okay, because what I’m going to talk about is always, always applicable in your business.

As I record this, it is the eve of the Jewish holiday Shavuot. It is now seven weeks since the holiday of Passover, Pesach. And we, in just a few hours, we’ll be celebrating G-d giving us the Torah. G-d giving us his instruction manual for how to conduct our lives, for how to develop relationships between people, and how to develop our relationship with the almighty, with G-d.

We know that G-d is a giver. The entire reason that G-d created the world is to be a giver. Because he has always existed, always will exist, and G-d had a desire… Whatever that means, because we don’t understand the omnipotent, infinite, omnipresent G-d in the world… But G-d had a desire to give.

And we are also taught to emulate G-d in our characteristics. So, just like G-d is a giver, we’re also asked to make ourselves more Gdlike, to be an image of G-d in this world, and to become givers. So, based on that theme, for today, G-d giving, and of course, in order to give there must be someone to receive.

Again, that’s why G-d created people, human beings, so that he could give. Animals do what animals do, it’s all instinctual. Plants do what plants do, it’s all part of how they’re programmed. Only people, human beings, have a choice. They have free will. We can either decide to receive the Torah, to receive G-d and bring Him more into our lives and emulate Him, or we can decide not to.

And in my family, we of course have chosen, as Orthodox Jews, to receive the Torah and to do our best. It’s always a process of growing and becoming more like G-d and to become givers.

As women in business, the desire to give, I think it’s really inherently part of women. We are compassionate. I love talking about how the Hebrew word for “womb” that has the root “rekhem”, which is also “rakhamim”; it’s kindness, it’s benevolence. And part of how we as women are wired is that we are compassionate. We are givers. It’s part of our human nature.

Of course, we bring babies into the world. We give and we give, and we give to our children, if you’ve been blessed to have children. Also, if you have pets, because you give, and your pets need to be taken out for walks, and you have to give them food and water and take them to the vet, whatever.

You give, and you don’t always get in return. I mean, if you’re lucky, you might get cuddles, whether it’s from your kids or whether it’s from your pets. You might get smiles. But we have this underlying agreement, as mothers or pet mamas, that we’re going to give without any expectations of receiving anything in return. So, that’s one way that we give in our everyday lives. It’s wired into us.

So then, the question becomes, when you are a business owner how do you harness this innate nature to give in a way that best serves your clients, without over giving? I mean, when you’re a mama, if your child has a stomach flu in the middle of the night, or chicken pox, or your child is teething and you have to get up at two and three and four and five, right? Been there, done that so many times.

We don’t get to choose, we signed up for it. We signed on that dotted line and we get up and we give. If you’re lucky, you have a partner who will also get up and give when the kids need you, anytime of the day or night. And as they grow we put boundaries in place. We teach them, we’re the teachers; they’re students. And we teach them also how to show up in the world. Boundaries are also how we give to our children.

We’re going to come back to the idea of boundaries for a positive result with our clients. But I just want to put this idea of how we naturally give. And then, what happens with our clients so that we can give them and give them more, but not be over givers? Because what happens when you’re an over giver to your clients is there are often other parts of your life that you’re not giving to.

And, I might say, that they’re suffering. You have to be a little bit introspective. To ask yourself, “Wait, are there other parts of my life, other relationships that might be suffering?” Maybe relationships with your husband, relationships with your children, relationships with friends, relationships with G-d. Are there other aspects of your life…

Including your relationship with yourself. Are you’re giving yourself time to reboot, to recharge your batteries so that you’re going to have the capacity, the resources, in order to give more to everybody around you? Are you sleeping well? Are you eating well? Are you exercising well?

We need spiritual reserves, physical reserves, emotional reserves, and nutritional reserves in order to show up as our strongest, most well-resourced self and to serve others in the world, both in our home life and in our business. But again, we’re speaking specifically about how you can give more in your business as a Jewish entrepreneur.

So, what I want to share with you, number one, when you believe in the wholeness, the completeness, the enoughness of your clients, that allows you to give more because then you’re not feeling like they need you. Like when they hire me, they’re hiring me for extras.

Anybody who’s listening to this podcast is an entrepreneur, has something that she is selling in the world. You are not an ER physician or nurse, that you really are out there saving lives. Even then, it’s really your gifts that you’re giving to people. And the healing is going to come through G-d anyway, you’re just the vehicle or the channel through which G-d does His work in the world. But I’m going to leave that aside for the moment.

None of us here are doing open heart surgery. We are serving our clients with things that they want, things that they need, and things that they desire. Some of our clients need therapy to heal. Some of your clients might want to buy a product that you’re selling; whether it is artwork, or it could be ceramics. Something that you sell them in order to embellish and enhance their lives.

And sometimes my clients are selling coaching, or they’re selling other services like videography, photography. Whatever it is that you are selling to your clients, when you believe in their wholeness and their enoughness, then you can sell not from “they need this, but I’m giving them.. I’m able to help them enhance… get something extra that they want in their life,” and it doesn’t become this needy relationship.

You can give to them with a bigger, more open heart. So, that’s number one, making sure that you’re giving and believing in their wholeness and their enoughness.

The second way that we give more to our clients is the opposite side of the coin from what I just said, it’s also believing that it’s not about you. G-d gives each one of us, I think, the intuition to figure out how we can best show up in the world. An example could be that you have excellent writing skills. You could decide to be a copywriter. You can become a technical writer. You can become an author. There are many ways that you can use writing skills in the world to serve that G-d-given mission.

And when you tap into your intuition, and maybe you ask some people… you can ask a career coach, you can ask your friends, people who know you well… but you decide somehow to show up in the world and share your goodies, your services, your gifts, the way you do. The way that you give to your people is believing that you are a vehicle, a channel, for G-d’s wisdom, G-d’s gifts to come into the world.

Because He gave you whatever He gave you. Whether you’re a lawyer or an accountant or a business coach, you have a certain tendency to go in a certain way in this world. And you are simply opening up a channel for G-d’s abundance to flow to you and to flow through you in order to serve your clients. And you can give more, when you open up those channels more.

Think about a river. If a river is wider, and there is a flow of water, more water can go through that river. But if you get some beavers into that river and they build a dam, they put their sticks and they’re logs and things like that into the river, that will either completely block the flow of that water or it can definitely slow it down. So, what we have to do to give more, is to get rid of those sticks and those twigs and those logs that are blocking the flow of G-d’s abundance coming to us and through us.

And the way we do that is by finding out where is our ego showing up in our business. I spoke about this last week on the podcast, when I talked about pricing myths. When we have our ego in the picture, that is edging G-d out. We’re thinking that we are the only ones who are in charge.

We say in Hebrew, “Koach liftoach et ze…” That it’s really my might, my strength, that’s due again. And we forget that it’s really G-d who is the ultimate giver, and He is just sending His abundance into the world through us.

So, we also want to find out, “Where am I believing that it’s all about me? And take me, the me that sometimes believes that it’s all my intelligence, or my intuition, or my genius,” and figure out how to get your ego out of the picture and let more G-d into the picture. That will give you the opportunity to expand.

Again, think about that flow of water. To expand all of the goodness, all of the gifts that can flow through you, and what you can then give to your clients.

The third way that you can give more is to set boundaries. We talked about, boundaries for your kids a little bit. But in order for you to have that flow of abundance, you need to sleep; sleep is very important. You need to eat; eating is very important. High-quality, nutritious food, so that you are well resourced to show up and serve your clients.

You need to move your body. If you’re sitting in a chair all day, 24/7, and your body’s not moving, your body is also not going to be strong and resilient. And that’s also going to hamper your ability to show up for your clients. And you need time to connect with other people in your family. And do also your supplemental education; fulfill yourself spiritually.

So, if you want to give your clients more, you have to make sure you have boundaries around your time, for the times that you’re in your business, and the times that you’re outside of your business. I’m very grateful for Shabbat because that is for sure time that I’m offline and not in my business; I’m not giving to my clients at that time.

But make sure that you have boundaries on your time. That can be as small as… Let’s say you have a one-hour session with a client. Make sure that that one hour is one hour, and not one hour and 15 minutes. Because if you’re not boundaried, and you’re letting yourself spill out into 45 minutes extra, another hour, another two hours when you’re getting paid for a certain amount of time.

Or you’re working on a project for a client and you’ve promised certain deliverables, and then you give more and more and more. Sometimes clients will ask for more. I have clients who are copywriters, and website designers, and they do brand, and sometimes their clients ask for more. But when you give more without getting a return, and I mean financial return, then you’re not going to feel resourced. You’re going to feel like you’re being taken advantage of and you will feel resentful of your clients.

But really, it starts with you putting boundaries around your time. Putting boundaries sometimes is access to you. In this day and age, we feel like we have to be accessible, whether it’s by email, by WhatsApp, by Voxer, by Messenger. But you don’t need to be accessible in your business at 11 o’clock at night or two o’clock in the morning.

I mean, if those are times that you normally work in your business, because you’re working off hours, that’s fine for you. But make sure that you have times. Because then you’re going to show up excited to work during the times that you’re in your business, and the times you’re not, you’re just not working those hours.

So, make sure you’re putting boundaries and you know what’s yours. And you know what’s your client’s. When everybody knows their responsibilities you can stay within your boundaries and you can give more, but only within the boundaries.

Now, there is a concept of wanting to treat, wanting to give extras, wanting to give gifts to our clients; it doesn’t have to be a material gift. But if it comes from your heart… And that’s where your intuition, your ability to check in with how you’re feeling… Are you feeling resentful if your client asks you to do something a little bit extra? If you want to do it… Sometimes we really have to stretch ourselves.

Is it coming from a generous place? Is it coming from a compassionate place? Or is it coming from a place of, “Oh, I have to do this.” If it’s coming from a negative place, then it’s not giving. The energy that it goes out with isn’t going to be loving and expansive. But if there’s a request that comes in, and you’re like, “Oh yeah, I can do that. That feels good to me,” then you can give more to your client in that way.

But when you have mutual respect, mutual giving, and everybody knows where the boundaries are, that gives you the ability to give more to your clients and it’s not over giving.

So, let’s talk about what over giving is. Over giving is when you feel resentful; you give and you give and you give. What can I say as a mom of eight? This can happen with your children when they’re whining, and they’re nagging, and you give and give and give. Especially kids, if they’re overtired or sick, and it seems to never be enough. Being a parent is not a fun job.

When it comes to your clients, you signed up for a certain kind of boundaried relationship. You have a client agreement in place so you know, again, what’s yours and what’s theirs. And when you give more than… the requests maybe come in and you give and give and give… it’s because of people pleasing. It’s because you feel like you have to do it. Or you feel like people are going to say nasty things about you, or leave you a negative review, because you don’t give more.

It’s coming from a very heavy, very negative energy. Now, that’s what we call “over giving”. And because as women, we do give a lot in our homes and in our families, and we have been giving a lot for thousands of years… Which is a beautiful thing. I’m not suggesting that we don’t give a lot to our families. We haven’t been paid for it. It’s only about the last 100 years that women have gone out in large numbers into the workforce.

But all of the work around the home… which we still don’t get paid for, by the way… all of the child rearing and all the kissing the booboos, going and stroking their foreheads in the middle of the night, and giving them medicine when they’re not feeling well, and giving them medicine to bring their fevers down, and cleaning up their dirty beds when they have an accident at two o’clock in the morning, that is part of what we do and who we are. We talked about that in the beginning.

So, you might believe, when it comes to your client, that this is just normal operating procedure. And what I want to offer you is, if you’re going to let yourself do that in a relationship with your client, that is for sure going to be over giving. It’s beyond the scope of the contractual agreement that you have with your client. And there’s going to be a lot of heavy negative energy around it.

You want to learn where your boundaries are. Because when you understand your boundaries and you hold them, and you can tell your client what’s acceptable according to your contract… I’m not saying this in a mean way.

Never go out and say, “Oh, that’s not acceptable.” But you say, “Hey, that’s not what we agreed on. That’s not part of our contractual agreement. This is what it says. You didn’t show up for your session this week and according to our agreement, if you don’t give me 24-hour’s notice you do get charged for that session.”

If it’s something like that, you can just be matter of fact about it and you treat them like an adult. You respect them, they respect you, and it doesn’t have to become an icky, uncomfortable situation. But don’t over give feeling like you have to, because that’s not going to be good for you and it’s not going to be good for your client.

The last point that I want to talk about, in terms of giving, this is in the area of marketing. So many women, in particular, shy away from marketing. They don’t want to make it all about them. They feel uncomfortable. They don’t feel like being out there, whether it’s with a website or going to networking meetings. It doesn’t feel comfortable. It feels icky or sleazy or manipulative, and making it “all about me. I don’t want people to look at me.”

Here’s what I want you to know. There are people in the world, I call them “my clients who are divinely contracted to work with me.” If they can’t find me, because I’m not advertising, because I’m not showing up, because I’m not marketing, then they’re not getting served. G-d wants me to work with them. He’s already figured it out. As I said, it’s a divine contract that has already been established in the heavens.

And if I don’t give them an opportunity to find me, they’re not going to get what they need. Marketing is a way that you give to the people that have not yet found you. And sometimes the marketing is going to be free, valuable information that you share. It could be a blog post that you write. It could be a social media post that you write. It could be a lecture that you give, or a free talk. It could be a podcast. It could be a video on YouTube.

However you show up in the world, number one, you’re giving and that’s part of your marketing funnel. And number two is, when you show up and let people know who you are, how they can work with you, how they can find you, how they can schedule time to get on your calendar, again, you’re helping them. You’re giving them an opportunity.

You’re not twisting anybody’s arm, You’re not forcing them under gunpoint, G-d forbid. But when you show up… Imagine looking at a magazine. There are tons of advertisements in magazines. If you are a vegetarian and you open a magazine, and you see an ad for a hamburger joint… Or you don’t eat fish, but you see an advertisement for sushi. Most of my kids don’t eat fish. Lucky for me, I get all the sushi.

But if you’re like, “No, I don’t eat fish, it’s icky, or yucky. I have a friend who is actually allergic to fish. So she doesn’t eat fish.” Nobody looks at those ads in a magazine and thinks, “Ugh, that’s so sleazy. I don’t eat fish. I don’t understand why they have a sushi ad in my magazine.”

No, we understand that they’re advertising. That they’re sharing what they do in the world. And the people who want to buy sushi will go buy sushi. The people who want to have a hamburger are going to now know that there’s a hamburger joint in the neighborhood. And the next time they’re feeling like they need a hamburger they can go to ABC Hamburger Joint.

When you show up, and you go out and you market, and you let people know that you exist, it’s the same thing. Don’t hide yourself. Just remember, there are people in the world who are looking for you, and you give to them by letting them know about you. It’s really, really that simple.

And if you’re on a social channel, where you are talking to people, or you have a podcast, or a YouTube video channel, when you show up authentically and share what’s in your mind, what you have to give, what you have to share, that also lets people connect with you. So, people know who you are, what you stand for, they will know if your values are aligned with each other or if you guys are totally not on the same page.

If your values are aligned that makes it much easier for them to be like, “Oh, yeah, I want to work with her because I see that we think alike. I see that she really understands me, and she can help me.” And if your values are not aligned, then they’ll go find somebody else.

Your marketing is designed to attract the people who want to work with you, and repel the people who aren’t attracted to work with you. And that’s why you’re showing up, and that’s what you’re giving. Just think about it that simply, “Hey, I have something amazing. I can help people. I can help people reach their goals. I can help people accomplish things in lives. I can help people get all the things that they want and desire. I can help them relieve pain.” Really, it’s just that simple.

The people who want it, they’ll be so thrilled that you showed up and you’re giving them an offering. You’re offering them a gift when you show up, you do your marketing, and you let them know that you exist. And you will leave it in their hands, because you believe in their wholeness. You believe in their enoughness. You believe that if they want it, they will come out and reach you.

Yes, we can talk about your marketing and your messaging and your selling, to help them get from where they are, when they’re just aware of you and interested in you… That will be a topic for another podcast. But show up and let your people know it is a divine gift. You’re emulating the Almighty when you show up and you let people know that you exist.

Just like G-d, on Shavuot, gave us the Torah. He left it in our hands. He said, “I put before you life and death. Choose life…” He did say that, but he gave us the choice. And so, you too, give people a choice. Show up. Give them the gift of letting them know that you exist, and put it into their hands. Put it into G-d’s hands. Because He will send you the people who are divinely contracted to work with you.

All right, my friends. That is how you give more to your people in your business, without overworking. I really hope that you take this and look at yourself, look how you’re showing up. Look how you’re giving to your clients, the ones who you’re already working with. And look how you’re giving to the clients who haven’t yet signed up to work with you. By advertising and offering, just giving them an opportunity to know that you exist.

I hope that I’ve changed, a little bit, the way you’re thinking about giving in your business. I want to let you know that right now my lifetime coaching program… It’s really a lifetime membership when you show up… Wired for Wealth is currently open for enrollment.

When you join Wired for Wealth, I give you a step-by-step process to, number one, change your identity from the person who does the things she does in her business, to a CEO who thinks of herself as someone who is managing a business and serving people. Serving people today, serving people next year, and serving people for the next five or 10 years, whatever the lifetime of your business is.

But we have to start thinking of ourselves as a business owner with a longterm strategic plan. So, that’s the number one thing that we start with, is thinking of ourselves differently, shifting our identity.

The second thing I help you with is marketing and messaging. Knowing who it is that you’re serving today, who are your ideal clients, and how do you talk to them, what is your messaging, and how do you attract them. Together we create your signature offer. You might already have a signature offer and we need to refine it a little bit. As you grow your business. we often keep refining your signature offer.

The goal of Wired for Wealth is that you create consistent $5K months, $10K months, $15K months in your business. My goal is to help you create a six-figure business that will sustain you and your family for the long term. I want you to build wealth for your family not just for this year and next year, but also have money that you can invest in your retirement account so you’ll be able to take care of your future self also.

We also work on selling, because sales are a skill that most of us weren’t brought up with. We didn’t sell, we went to school. We might have had to negotiate with our parents a little bit about bedtime, but you weren’t taught how to sell.

I went to work in my cousin’s camera store when I was a teenager. I learned how to sell electronic goods, back in the day when there were VCRs. I learned how to sell VCRs and cordless phones and things like that, computers, the early Apple computers. That was something that I really enjoyed doing. And then, I moved on to Wall Street where I was also selling multi-hundred million dollar derivative products to other financial companies in the financial space.

But most of us weren’t taught how to sell, we just do the things that we do. So, I have a sacred sales conversation process that I will walk you through, and we evaluate those sales conversations so that you improve with every time. Because you’re not expected to hit it out of the ballpark the first or second or fourth time you have a sales conversation. So, we just learn from everyone.

Finally, we work on your relationship with money and your management of money. How open do you feel to receiving money? Do you think it’s greedy to raise your prices and ask for more money? Or do you believe that it’s okay? We want to really change your subconscious programming around money. The things you heard growing up, like, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” I think most people heard that, right? Or, “It’s hard to make a living.”

Whatever it is, we want to tap into the subconscious messages and change them. Or if you have any fears around money, we want to really clear that out. Dissolve your limiting beliefs so that you can raise your prices. You might think that’s in conflict with giving. “If I’m going to give to my clients more, how is it possible that I could raise my prices? Isn’t that taking from them?”

So, one of my thoughts that I do want to share with you and take this on for yourself, is that when people pay, they pay attention. And when they pay more, they pay more attention. You can give your services away for really low prices or even for free. But people aren’t going to value what you’re doing if they don’t have to pay enough money; whatever “enough” is. It’s not going to be a valuable energetic exchange.

What we talked about earlier in the podcast, you might resent your clients because they’re taking a lot from you or you’re giving a lot to them, but you’re not getting a sufficient return for your investment of time and energy, and your intuition and your expertise in the business. So, we work on your relationship with money and management of money.

I am starting to record new training modules on money. Just this week, I wrote up a whole document on what you need, the financial frameworks that you need, and systems in your toolbox, so that you can run your business, as a business owner, separate from your personal finances.

So, Wired for Wealth is currently open for enrollment through June 26th. When you go to my website, DebbieSassen.com/wealth, you will see what you get offered in Wired for Wealth. There’s also a link there, just click on the box to sign up for sales conversation. And let’s talk. Let’s see if Wired for Wealth is the right investment for you in your business right now.

Some people might think, “It’s not a good time. It’s summer, my kids are going to be on vacation. I can’t do it now.” And here’s what I want you to know. I think that summer is the best time for you to be working in your business. Because it’s not just you, a lot of people are away. They’re not so focused on what they’re doing, in the summer, because they’re paying attention to their kids and vacations and stuff like that.

This is a great time for you to develop foundations and frameworks in your business. Because maybe your client load is a little bit lighter than usual, so you can have your calendar time scheduled for your family, for your vacations, etc., and you can put some extra time for working on the foundational pieces of your business.

So, go to my website, DebbieSassen.com/wealth. I really hope that you join me in June, in Wired for Wealth. I will see you next week on the podcast. Bye-bye, for now.

Thanks for listening to The Jewish Entrepreneur Podcast. If you want to stop underselling and underearning and close more sales, you need to clear the limiting money beliefs that are sabotaging your business growth.

Head on over to DebbieSassen.com/mindset and download my free Money Mindset Workbook. Uncover and dissolve money blocks, like hundreds of other entrepreneurs who are now building six-, multi-six-, and seven-figure businesses and creating true financial freedom.

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